deathkettle's Blog

Skullcap (425mg) and Passionflower (500mg) once every  three hours. I'm doing research into an anxiolytic that isn't a sedative. I have a hard time taking sedatives all day, however mild because my job is pretty high energy.

Lemon Balm (500mg) and Motherwort* (around 400 mg) once daily. In a study done on Lemon Balm it was found that low doses of about 300mg once daily are best and much higher doses have a negative impact.

Rhodiola, Ginko, and Ginseng once or twice daily (doses ranging from 200-400mg of each herb)

I take 400mg of Valerian at night if I anticipate trouble sleeping or I just want to be knocked out.

If I can remember I also take a multivitamin, a b vitamin supplement, fish and flaxseed oils once per day. I love that herbs don't need to be taken with a meal unlike vitamins... I can't ever remember my vitamins and I can't take them on an empty stomach.

*if I'm not on my period.

It's been about three weeks since I last updated this. My last entry on March 19th was a rave review of the herb Passionflower for the treatment of anxiety. I've been taking the pills daily in the same dose of 900mgs approx. every three hours.

I feel in much better control of my anxiety. At home I can relax, finally. I used to be constantly worried and irritable, my mind always racing uncontrollably. Lately I've been enjoying every bit of my free time, not too worried about anything and a lot more productive.

At work, around people, I'm much more relaxed. Social anxiety is something I live with but I can cope a heck of a lot better now. I hung out with a coworker after work today and felt comfortable and had a good time without trying to.
I'm more optimistic about my personal life and with more energy to use (since I'm not burning myself out with worry) I feel like I can make a life that I'm excited about by finding supportive friends and maybe even a damn boyfriend. 

I'm going back to school for physical therapy. It was a decision that took some research into my personality type and reflection on my interests and goals. It's going to take awhile, but I don't minde

It's not just passionflower. I'm taking a few other herbs as well. I take Rhodiola, St. John's Wort and Valerian. I've recently added Ginko Biloba to the list. I have several other anxiety fighting herbs in the mail from Swanson Vitamins. I'm looking most forward to Skullcap, Motherwort and Lemon Balm. I'm hoping the will reduce my anxiety like Passionflower, but without the tranquilizing properties. I will update this as I experiment more.

I have also been going to yoga and doing more cardiovascular exercise.

The sedative properties of Passionflower and Valerian have helped my anxiety and with getting more rest at night. I'm waking up earlier and feeling awake when I get up. My life was the complete opposite before I decided to make changes.

I still have difficulties with productivity and I hope that with time I'll improve those areas too. I can't rush myself otherwise I'll get frustrated.

I have also become interested in psychedelic remedies, which I cannot be more specific about. These particular substances work by allowing me to think beyond my usual mental pathways (which I believe aren't very healthy after living with life long anxiety) and into more interesting territory. It's not very difficult to cultivate potent, non addictive medicines if one is inclined to do so. I hope my experiences with them will be a supplement to my other strategies in overcoming anxiety, depression and misanthropy.

I hate to sound so positive and *look at me now* and none of this happened quickly.. I had to experience a lot of pain and take some risks and do a lot of research and soul searching to find my way. My life isn't great in the way I thought it would be, or in the way I always wanted it to be, but I have found a path and the will to move in that direction. I'm content with my life for the first time in years.

My anxiety is in my control more now than ever before! I've been experimenting with herbs and supplements and I've found that Passionflower works extremely well at keeping my anxiety in check. I take 900mgs every three hours, everyday. It's been helping me a lot the last week. Things are better at work and at home. PF is a mild sedative that works by lowering the activity of some brain cells. That sounds like a bad thing at first pass, but I find that without so much going on in my head I can conserve energy and use that energy with control. I used to spaz around people constantly and my anxiety was constant in public. But now it's a lot less intense. When I find myself feeling anxious I can now deal with it and alleviate the tension however I need to.

I can even smoke weed without panicking. I quit weed because of the anxiety I got from it. Although I loved smoking it just wasn't worth it after awhile. I'm happy to say my last few sessions were FUN and relaxing. I will say the weed plus the sedating effects of PF can exhaust me. 

PF also has a quality that makes me feel less emotional and maybe less sensitive. This doesn't bother me. But I know that in close relationships that kind of thing might make a difference to a more emotionally needy person (like my mother) but knowing this I try and show I care in ways that feel natural to me rather than try and fake my way through it, which I find unbearable anyway.

My job involves talking to A LOT of people about absolutely nothing of importance so I find that being able to make and enjoy small talk from time to time breaks the monotony. PF makes this less awkward for me. I interact better and I've been making people laugh and that's cool.

I look forward to seeing people from the past who I liked yet felt oddly anxious towards. There's one intimate relationship I'm curious to rekindle now that I can actually think rather than just panic in front of people I'm attracted to.

I still freak out daily but I rebounding is easier and relaxing is something I fall into rather quickly without willing it or control freakishly setting everything just right so I can chill. I used to require music while I drove but now I can relax in silence, not paranoid about other people watching me or whatever used to make me jumpy.

Better living through herbal medicine!

(I take these primarily to deal with anxiety, depression, brain fog, fatigue, irritability)

B-Vitamin Complex
Fish Oil
Flaxseed Oil
Multivitamin
Niacin
Passionflower tincture
Rhodiola
St. John's Wort

I've been supplementing for about 3-4 weeks now. The most recent additions are the SJW, Niacin supplement and Rhodiola. I've read that these herbs need time to build up in my system before they actually work to full effect. So far I have felt more capable of dealing with stressful situations, better concentration, decreased anxiety- less racing thoughts and better social performance. My thought process is beginning to make more sense to me. I feel more comfortable in the presence of other people.. Still very far from 'at ease' though.

I was having a rough day at work today and I took some Passionflower with my coffee and in maybe just 20 minutes I felt calm and playful.

SJW is said to help with depression and lately I have been feeling pretty depressed- not wanting to do much, crying on and off for no real reason. I started taking it today and I'm hopeful about it. I've been blaming PMS for two weeks now but I know I've been depressed and I need to do something about it.

I read today that in high doses (as I take it) Rhodiola can lead to sedation due to overstimulation. It will take some time to get used to such a high dose, I may consider taking it only a few days a week. I did feel a bit hyper but also heavy with tiredness after taking it and having a cup of coffee- and going through a somewhat awkward social ordeal in the nail salon.

I drank some yerba and drove to work and felt ok. Until the irritability kicked in high gear, and I had to knock it out with the passionflower. 

My energy levels are fine. I have been running into some insomnia- another side effect of Rhodiola, but it's mostly my own doing... watching TV, snacking and worrying before I try and sleep isn't a great idea and I know that. I might try out those blue-blocking shades again... i've been avoiding them though. It's kind of annoying to wear them over my glasses.

trying to become a well adjusted fukhead takes time and money but it's worth it. the best part about all of this is that i'm cutting back on cigarettes and not feeling like i need to drink to get tipsy every night or sneak out to smoke weed. i feel more in touch with good things and i only hope it continues. I have also cut back significantly on red bull and soda!!!!

i need to realize a couple things though: bad days are part of the territory. i should be diligent about finding out which supplements work and how often i should take them. i don't need to waste money. they can't fix everything. healthy diet and exercise are just as important as these supplements. Today has been especially bad:  sausage biscuits and fried chicken make up the bulk of what i ate today. haha.

Much more to improve and the improvements so far are nothing but inspiring!

Woke up late to a cold and gray day outside. I stayed up late until Romney conceded and Obama made his speech. I'm glad he defeated Romney but he sucks anyway- I don't care what anyone says.

Been feeling a little depressed. There's a friend who I've been meaning to text, but I'm not ready to talk to her or make plans because she reminds me of how little confidence I have and how depressed and lifeless I can be. I feel bad but I just can't handle having a friend like her. I'll drive her insane with my self-loathing and hatred for all kinds of things.

There's a chance I could move in with some friends back in Richmond. It's the most reasonable plan I've come up with to move away. I'd be living with friends and paying cheap rent. But... I'm kind of sad about it. I don't want to quit and have to tell everyone goodbye. I hate that job and I hate living here... but the thought of leaving makes everything seem a little more tolerable and welcoming actually. C. Hall and I are supposed to be re-connecting and my relationship with mom is something that I look forward to. It just won't be the same over the phone.. I don't even like using the phone. A handful of my co-workers have started to mean a lot to me... Oh well, oh well.

Add to that this feeling of anxiety over living with Jacob and Brad, and being so close to Oliver and Kendal and my other friends there.... I really like these people but there has always been an uncomfortable feeling there.. that something's missing and that I'm not good enough. I know that's crap and that I just need to be comfortable with myself and the rest will work itself out, but it's my past and it's creeping back into my mind...

I'll have to find another job, learn to live with two new people, and try to make friends. The good thing is that as of right now I have no friends here. There's CH but we haven't hung out yet, so I haven't gotten attached again. Everyone else I know and like are associates, people who I can live without, and in at least one case, people who I'd like to get away from.

Being unemployed is going to drive me crazy. I'll need a good and free hobby, such as reading crappy novels and taking long walks in the cold to get me through. I also need to figure out when exactly it is we are supposed to be getting our bonus checks.  I'm thinking about keeping my job, cutting my availability and commuting until I find another one. Just a thought.

I need to think about it.

I've ordered more herbal tinctures. Tinctures are simply liquid extracts. I've learned that tinctures aren't very potent compared to some powdered extracts but they aren't a bad way to go. I may have to look to see if I can find more potent tinctures as I really like taking herbs in liquid form.

I'm replenishing my passionflower supply, this time trying one with the glycerin base instead of alcohol. I didn't like the sharp taste of alcohol. Hopefully this doesn't change the effect.

I'm most excited about the rhodiola extract. I've heard great things about what it can do for mood problems, anxiety, depression, energy and concentration. People say they feel more balanced on this herb.

And the kava extract is mostly for deep relaxation and to replace the feeling of being high on marijuana. I find that the anxiety I feel after smoking weed is too overwhelming sometimes... I used to smoke weed somewhat heavily in college (about five days out of the week, at least two session per day) and it certainly didn't do me any favors academically (or socially). Cutting back wasn't difficult at all. I wish it were as easy with cigarettes!

Very very excited to try these herbs out. I've just had a cup of valerian root/passionflower tea and I'm feeling sleepy. I'm listening to black metal, not the best thing to fall asleep to, but I just can't get enough of early and raw black metal right now.

Adios!

Time for me to let my mind go. I keep getting stuck *trying* to create something worth while and find myself obsessed with how much I'm failing at it and then I think about how stupid I am and how stupid everyone thinks I am. Stuff like that.

It's not good. What's good is for me to look at an idea that I like and think about it as something simple. Look at the parts and the approach and appropriate (or steal, or be inspired by) that approach and subject matter.

Must take things slowly and learn to relax and not dwell in negativity, hm?

It's hard but I am in a position where even a little improvement will be a world of difference. Takes guts to let go but I won't be able to find anything new if I don't.

Take it slow, look around and not ahead and not back. Amen.

I think I have moderate-severe social anxiety and maybe light-moderate depressive symptoms. I haven't been diagnosed. I do have plans to see a shrink soon though. I wanted to try some natural remedies before I go to a shrink for the prescription meds. I started reading up on herbal teas that reportedly reduce anxiety: I've been drinking valerian, kava, and passionflower mostly and also lemon verbena, and some other brands marketed for the effect of "calm, relax, sleep." I found passionflower to be very effective in slowing down my racing thoughts so I decided to pick up passionflower extract from the vitamin store and have been adding it to my drinks throughout the day. I'm less irritable and it's become easier to snap out of spell of rumination with the extract. I did get a very bad headache the first day I took it though. It seems that it's best to gradually increase the dose. The taste isn't terrible. I should not have gotten the type with alcohol though.

Along with the tea, I've been beefing up my vitamin intake. I take a B-Vitamin complex, Fish Oil, Flaxseed Oil and a multi-vitamin as directed daily. I read that B-Vitamins, especially Niacin are good at fighting depression.

I've been relaxing more now that my mind is more freed up and now allowing myself to get lost in pulp novels and sitcoms in my free time. I walk my dog about once every two days (more or less) for 15 minutes each time. Doctors recommend walking to depressed folks and I do as well.

Overall I have a better sense of well-being. I can cope better with anxiety although it still comes very strongly sometimes at work and when I'm at sober gatherings. I feel less tired and cranky and less scared of life. I feel like I'm finding a balance. I'm going to keep this up and maybe experiment with some other extracts and see if I can do something about the apathetic/asocial feeling that accompanies the relaxing calm when I take the PF extract. But then again, maybe apathy is a decent defense for anxiety. Now I just have to fight worrying about "how do people perceive this apathy?" and chances are they don't even notice/care.

I have no idea if I actually need ALL of this stuff I'm taking but it's working well enough (I can tell it's more than placebo in some part) and I feel better than I have in a loooong time.