Leavin someday | deathkettle's Blog

Woke up late to a cold and gray day outside. I stayed up late until Romney conceded and Obama made his speech. I'm glad he defeated Romney but he sucks anyway- I don't care what anyone says.

Been feeling a little depressed. There's a friend who I've been meaning to text, but I'm not ready to talk to her or make plans because she reminds me of how little confidence I have and how depressed and lifeless I can be. I feel bad but I just can't handle having a friend like her. I'll drive her insane with my self-loathing and hatred for all kinds of things.

There's a chance I could move in with some friends back in Richmond. It's the most reasonable plan I've come up with to move away. I'd be living with friends and paying cheap rent. But... I'm kind of sad about it. I don't want to quit and have to tell everyone goodbye. I hate that job and I hate living here... but the thought of leaving makes everything seem a little more tolerable and welcoming actually. C. Hall and I are supposed to be re-connecting and my relationship with mom is something that I look forward to. It just won't be the same over the phone.. I don't even like using the phone. A handful of my co-workers have started to mean a lot to me... Oh well, oh well.

Add to that this feeling of anxiety over living with Jacob and Brad, and being so close to Oliver and Kendal and my other friends there.... I really like these people but there has always been an uncomfortable feeling there.. that something's missing and that I'm not good enough. I know that's crap and that I just need to be comfortable with myself and the rest will work itself out, but it's my past and it's creeping back into my mind...

I'll have to find another job, learn to live with two new people, and try to make friends. The good thing is that as of right now I have no friends here. There's CH but we haven't hung out yet, so I haven't gotten attached again. Everyone else I know and like are associates, people who I can live without, and in at least one case, people who I'd like to get away from.

Being unemployed is going to drive me crazy. I'll need a good and free hobby, such as reading crappy novels and taking long walks in the cold to get me through. I also need to figure out when exactly it is we are supposed to be getting our bonus checks.  I'm thinking about keeping my job, cutting my availability and commuting until I find another one. Just a thought.

I need to think about it.